One way we could explain our admissions criteria would be to describe a typical student at our school. For example:
We
look for a bright, motivated student with a dedication to drinking. While the school's decision of whether or not to
admit a prospective student depends on the entirety of the student's body of work, the majority of students admitted answer
"yes" to the following questions, but answering "si" or "uh huh" is also likely to lead to admission.
Prospective Questions:
Do you keep a can of beer next to your bed so you can have breakfast in bed when you wake up?
Do you not use cologne or aftershave because you have a moral objection to alcohol going anywhere but down your throat?
Do you resent it when people call you a raving alcoholic, because you've never been to a rave in your life?
Do you always finish your drinks because there are sober people in Nigeria?
Do you freak out when you wake up in your own bed?
Do you hate it when people give you flowers because, hey-you can't drink flowers?
Are you convinced your liver isn't distended, is instead pregnant? Pregnant with a new liver?
Are you the answer to the question: "What kind of idiot pukes during a final?"
Do you watch Behind the Music and think: "That's not really that much alcohol"?
Do you hate it when your lightweight friends get so drunk you can't see them?
Did you dress as a drunk on Halloween and no one noticed?
Instead of "Good Morning", are the first words out of your mouth "Have you seen my pants"?
Do you like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a beer?
Do people get drunk by shaking your hand?
Do you view the glass as being neither half empty or half full, but instead it just needs to be topped off?
Do you laugh at funerals but weep like a baby whenever you hear about a beer truck overturning?
Do you not understand the difference between "waking up" and "coming to"?
Does the hospital have to card patients before they can give them your blood?
Have you been cut off during communion?
When you come home sober, does your dog bite you?
Do you masturbate to the liquor ads in Playboy?
Do you hate the person you become when you black out, because that person drinks all your beer?
Was the only useful thing you got out of AA learning how to identify your enablers-because those are the people most
likely to buy you a drink?
Have you told Jehovah's Witnesses, "Of couse I want to go to Heaven. I'm sure it's awesome. You can drink
beer in Heaven, right?"
Do you believe in the theory that states "the best beer in the world is the one in your hand"?
Do you sometimes wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day?
Do you wish you were closer to Jesus-specifically when he's changing water into wine?
Would you go to Mass more often if they weren't so stingy with the wine?
and most importantly;
Do you feel a tinge of pride when someone refers to you as a "shameless alcoholic"?
